NBA Playoff Preview

Head over the The Sports Watchtower for some mind-blowing thoughts on the NBA playoffs: sportswatchtower.wordpress.com/2012/04/28/the-first-annual-sports-watchtower-nba-playoff-preview

New blog!

This one's not going away, but for (hopefully) a unique/thoughtful/not-ESPNish take on sports, head over to sportswatchtower.wordpress.com. Happy reading!

Sports Analysis: Kinda Racist?

If you watch sports and listen closely to the analysis, you'll notice that players are always described in a certain way. They fall into categories. Some players are "freakishly athletic" while others have "a high basketball/football/etc. IQ." Still others are "gifted" while some "work as hard as anybody."

At first, the idea that certain things might come more easily to certain people doesn't seem all that controversial, especially when it comes to feats of athleticism. I used to be an elementary school teacher, and it didn't take much to notice that some kids could just naturally run faster and jump higher than others.

And yet.

Sports analysts seem to have a hard time hurdling the race issue in their assessment of players. Here's what I mean.

Ex. 1: Dirk Nowitzki, Adam Morrison, Jimmer Fredette, and/or any white guy in the NBA who can score even a little.

What do Dirk, Ammo, and Jimmer all have in common, other than the color of their skin?

The correct answer is: (1) not a whole lot; and (2) they're always compared to this guy:

Celtics great Larry Bird, archetype of the successful white NBA player.

Why? Why?! Is it not because they're kinda slow-footed white dudes who, notwithstanding their height, don't look like they belong in a league that's more than 80 percent black? The actual playing styles, demeanors, accomplishments, and ceilings for the three players above are all wildly different, yet they're all compared to Larry Bird.

On the plus side, this means that when I achieve my childhood dream and become the shortstop for the Los Angeles Dodgers, I'm going to be compared to former Dodger pitcher and Korean hero Chan Ho Park.

Some people might not view a comparison to an ultimately mediocre and overpaid player as a plus, but those people don't realize that this is the first picture that comes up when you run a Google Image Search for "chan ho park":

JUMPING SIDEKICK OF DEATH. AZN PRIDE.

Now all I need to do is learn how to hit, field, run, and throw at a major league level. I'd also probably need to grow four inches taller, add 30 pounds of muscle, and learn how to take steroids without getting caught. Easy.

Ex. 2: Team Japan in the Little League World Series, Team China in the Olympics, and/or any East Asian country competing against non-East Asian countries.

The Little League World Series is completely effed up. What seemingly started out as a fun idea – "Hey let's have a worldwide tournament for Little Leaguers and televise it! It'll be fun and a great experience for the kids!" – has morphed into something resembling child exploitation.

But it's hard to avoid watching at least part of it if you watch ESPN at all. When it gets going, it really gets going. They even bring in former Major League players as commentators. Hardcore.

And when you do watch it, you notice two things. First, Team Japan is always really good. And second, if you believe the analysts, they're always really good because of their "discipline."

Japan: known for sushi, electronics, and under-12-year-old baseball players.

The amount of time the commentators spend talking about the team's discipline borders on ridiculous: they note how the team doesn't talk when the coach is talking (honestly, how many players actually talk while the coach is talking?) or how much the kids seem to know their "roles" (in baseball, I'd say your role is pretty well-defined: you're either pitching, hitting, or patrolling a certain area waiting to catch something). I half-expect them to throw in the terms "filial piety" and "Confucian values" during the broadcast.

How about this? Japan is a country that loves baseball and produces talented baseball players. Sometimes, their teams win.

No...that doesn't seem right. It's definitely the discipline. When Korea played Japan in the World Baseball Classic, the sheer amount of discipline in the game was straight-up mind-blowing.

Ichiro. So good disciplined.

Ex. 3: Michael Vick, Cam Newton, Vince Young, and/or any black quarterback with some athleticism.

It seems like every year, there's a quarterback who is supposed to revolutionize the position because – wait for it – he's a dual threat. He can throw AND run!

Let's set aside for a moment the fact that it's damn near impossible to "revolutionize" the QB position in the NFL, where a QB's success largely depends on whether he can drop back in the pocket and accurately throw to the right receiver. Have you noticed that these supposed revolutionaries are all African American?

No one mentions that the most successful scrambling quarterback ever was Steve Young, a white guy who played college ball at BYU, of all places. And no one really mentions in the same breath the most obvious QB who does as much with his legs as his arm: Mr. Tim Tebow.

Tebow running for his life. Seems about right.

Just to cement my point – this was part of an actual scouting report of JaMarcus Russell:

"Could be a Daunte Culpepper or Donavan McNabb-type quarterback."

Seriously?

Daunte Culpepper.

Donovan McNabb.

JaMarcus Russell.

Does the fact that they're all black automatically make the analysis racist? No. But when you consider that these three actually don't have that much in common, I think the analysis is, at the very least, lazy.

Ex. 4: Edward Han.

People watch me play sports and frequently use phrases like, "At least he's trying hard," or "Not bad for a 5'9" Asian boy with no hops and a history of ankle/back problems, but pretty bad by basically any other measure," or "No no, he's on your team," or "He really sucks." I think this is racist.

On my butt. Common position for me when boarding.

Underrated

There are some things in this world that are simply underrated – they don't get the credit/recognition they deserve.  This entry is dedicated to those things.  May it be a humble start to a world of proper ratedness.

(5) Meatballs on pizza

I start here because this completely baffles me.  Not only are meatballs delicious, but they seem pretty Italian – you see meatballs in spaghetti all the time.  How come you don't see them offered as pizza toppings more often?  Someone evil must have decided to skip over meatballs to go straight to black olives and anchovies when thinking of the goodness that should go on the canvas of pizza.  This makes me sad.

This is so beautiful.

(4) Andy Roddick

Poor Andy Roddick (I use the term "poor" very loosely here).

Anyone who semi-regularly follows tennis has surely heard about the dearth of American talent at the top of the sport for quite a while now.  Tennis fans, perhaps accustomed to the dominance of John McEnroe and Jimmy Connors in the 70's and 80's, and then Pete Sampras and Andre Agassi and Jim Courier in the 90's, have been clamoring for the Next American Tennis Hope since Roddick was a kid.

All he's done to live up to those expectations is win a major, win 29 other titles on the pro tour, earn nearly $20 million in tournament prize money, hold the world No. 1 ranking, reach the finals of Wimbledon and the U.S. Open four times (losing each time only to maybe the greatest player ever to step foot on a tennis court), and spend the vast majority of his career ranked among the top five or 10 players in the world.

To put this in perspective, consider that there are 30 teams in the NBA, meaning 150 basketball players are starters.  So if you're considered among the top five or 10 basketball players in the world, you're landing magazine covers, playing in All-Star games, and getting mentioned in Jay-Z songs.

Roddick, on the other hand, has to answer questions about why he 'only' accomplished as much as he did.  Isn't his career a pretty successful one?  I have a hard time even imagining what it would be like to be among the five or 10 best in the world at anything.  I kinda feel sorry for the guy, and then I remember that he wakes up to this woman every morning, and I think he'll be alright:

If you wake up and see this next to you (the woman, not the magazine), your day is off to a fantastic start, head-to-head record against Roger Federer be damned.

(3) Breakfast burritos

I cannot figure out why breakfast burritos have not caught on more.  I think they should be at least as widespread as bagel sandwiches.  What's not to love?  It's deliciousness wrapped up for you.

Weekend Wrap at the Black Cow Cafe in Montrose, CA.
Order it.  Eat it.  Thank me later.

(2) The Postal Service

I realize that the USPS is going through a rough stretch and that not too long from now, it could very well be chillin' with the dodo bird, woolly mammoth, and Friendster.  But for a long time, civil servants dedicated themselves to ensuring that we could communicate with one another effectively.  Sometimes I still marvel at the fact that I can drop something into a bright blue box on a street corner and have it arrive somewhere across the country within a matter of days.  And then I think about the fact that once upon a time, I could have dropped something off and had some man on a horse carry it across the country for me and I realize that yes, the USPS was and remains pretty gangsta.

I think I would have made sure to write very, very meaningful letters if they were carried by the Pony Express.

(1) Seat warmers in cars 

Anyone who has spent time living in a place that gets snow and ice recognizes the clutchness of seat warmers.  They get warmer faster than the heater, and thus significantly cut down on that period of time where you're suffering in your car while waiting for the engine to warm up.  And I don't know why, but having a warm butt really makes a big difference.

Warm butt = warm all over.  It's the truth.

Epic Meal Time

There really isn't much need for me to introduce this entry.  You, the reader, however, should understand three things before proceeding:

(1) There is a series of videos on YouTube called Epic Mealtime.  The basic premise is that a group of dudes who may or may not be insane cook up such culinary masterpieces as Fast Food Lasagna, Chili Four Loko, and Breakfast of Booze, and then proceed to eat said masterpieces.  Click on the links if you must, but only if you must.  The descriptions of the dishes are pretty accurate.

(2) Sometimes, my friends and I see things in action and are greatly inspired to do those things ourselves.  Some of us watched the U.S. Open and were inspired to play tennis.  Some of us watched the Fast and the Furious movies and were inspired to drive like idiots on our way home from the theater.  All of us watched Epic Mealtime and were inspired to make and eat 26,000 artery-clogging calories in one sitting.

Now, most of the time, our iterations of those actions are pathetic attempts at recreating the magic that we saw onscreen.  The game Roger Federer plays and the game I play can barely be called the same game.  Paul Walker driving 120 m.p.h. with a beautiful woman draped all over him is surely not the same thing as me speeding a little bit (not too much) in my Accord.  This time, however, life truly did imitate art.  This was the real deal.  Or real meal.

(3) Yes, we really did eat this.  And no, we're not the smartest people you'll ever meet.

Layers 1-3: Tater tots, kielbasa, cheese.

Layer 4: Cheeseburgers from Burger King.

Layers 5-6: Mac and cheese (with more kielbasa), bacon.

The most important step in combining the layers is...

...maintaining the solemn face of someone who understands what's to come.

Layer 7: Mashed potatoes.

Layer 8: Crushed Doritos.

After a few minutes in the oven to make sure everything is cooked properly...

...we heap generous portions onto our plates.
Because you know, we're civilized and would never just eat directly out of the pan.

Will understands that this is as much a mental battle as a physical one.

Which is probably why he was able to go for seconds after we finished.

The rest of us looked like this.

Disclaimer #1: I do not recommend doing this at home.

Disclaimer #2: If you choose to ignore Disclaimer #1 and eat an Epic Meal anyway, I cannot guarantee that your bowel movements will be 100% normal for a few days after the Meal.  If, upon completing the Meal, you feel like you just ingested a bowling ball smothered in butter, don't panic – that's completely normal.  If you're a guy and all your female friends choose not to talk to you or look at you for a while after you eat the Meal, hang in there.  If you're interested in maintaining self-respect, see Disclaimer #1.

Out of League

The recent engagement of Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian got me thinking: How far out of one's league has a guy actually gone to get a girl?  You all know what I'm talking about – you see a couple walk past you and the woman is, by all accounts, about a bajallion times more attractive than the man, leaving you wondering just how funny, rich, or awesome at guitar the guy must be.

(This is not to say, of course, that Mr. Humphries is way out of his league with Ms. Kardashian.  After all, he's a solid rotation player on the Nets, and anyone in the NBA is one of the best basketball players on the planet.  She, on the other hand, doesn't seem to have any discernible talent at all.  But the disparity in notoriety/fame between the two just reminded me that this chasm is something that exists.  At least in my mind.)

Here are a few other examples:

5. Vincent Chase & Mandy Moore

Vince is a B+/A- actor who doesn't know how to do anything in his own life except hook up with random women.  He relies on his friend and manager E to do everything for him, and is also kind of a prick.  Mandy Moore is perfect.  She is kind and beautiful and smart and talented and funny and should not have died of leukemia in that one movie.

O, that I were a glove upon that hand
That I might touch that cheek!

This is only as low as it is on the list because Vincent Chase is a fictional character from Entourage.

4. Sasha Vujacic & Maria Sharapova

There was a headline about this on CNN.com a while back that read, "Sharapova Engaged to Lakers Star."  When you clicked, the link sent you to People.com, where the headline read, "Maria Sharapova Engaged to Lakers Star Sasha Vujacic."  I appreciated People's clarification.  "Lakers Star" usually means a player who does more than come off the bench, miss a few shots, go back to the bench, and then whine about how he's always on the bench.

Kobe Bryant = star.  Pau Gasol = star.
Sasha Vujacic = shooter who can't shoot, i.e. nothing.

Also, there's this: he makes $4 million a year.  She makes $25 million a year.  He is also now playing for the New Jersey Nets, a team that is not the Los Angeles Lakers.  This won't end well.

3. Kevin Federline & Britney Spears

It's easy to forget this now because Britney's star has faded considerably over the past few years, but in her heyday, she was white-hot.  Scalding hot.  As in, I'd watch Pepsi commercials over and over just because she was in them.  I haven't found one person – man or woman – who disagrees with me on this point.

This actually happened.

1. Marko Jaric & Adriana Lima

Yup, I jumped straight from #3 to #1 just to emphasize just how sizeable the difference is between this couple and the second-most lopsided one.  You know how you can tell how outrageous this one is?  Ask a girl who Adriana Lima is married to.  You'll either get an answer along the lines of, "Some dude named [insert some horrible mispronunciation of Marko Jaric's name]", or a simple, "I don't know. She's married?!"  Then ask a guy who Marko Jaric is.  You'll probably just get, "Duuuude.  ADRIANA LIMA!"

For the record, Marko Jaric is a bench player for the Memphis Grizzlies whose eyes look like they're too close together. Adriana Lima is one of the most famous supermodels on the planet whose eyes most certainly do NOT look like they're too close together.

Um...sure.  Okay.

Ready for Some Football

Fall brings with it some great things: cooler weather, pumpkin spice lattes, nice foliage, and football. But mostly football.

As a native of Los Angeles, I think not having an NFL team (the Raiders and Rams don't count because (A) they're not in LA anymore; and (2) they moved back to their original cities, raising doubts as to whether they were ever really LA's teams) has somewhat dampened my enthusiasm for pro football. While I do what every casual LA football fan does and follow USC/UCLA on Saturdays, I've decided that I want to start watching football on Sundays, and root for a team while I'm at it.

Here are five teams that have made the final cut in the competition for my fanhood. Additional suggestions welcome. Fantasy rooting interests not welcome.

San Francisco 49ers

I was raised a Niners fan back in the day. An uncle who used to live in San Francisco got me into sports and since they were his favorite team, I just assumed they should be my favorite team. And what an illustrious team it is: winners of five Super Bowls, associated with arguably the two greatest players in the history of the game, and pioneers of the West Coast offense that is so prominent in the modern game.

Jerry Rice and Joe Montana. Two of the greats.

Of course, looking back on things only makes the current Niners team seem that much more pathetic. Unbelievably mediocre coaches. Outdated stadium. And Alex Smith?? Really?! This is from ESPN.com's Bill Simmons' latest column:

Ways to tell that Alex Smith is your quarterback:

1. Zips passes 80 mph at receivers five yards away.
2. Instead of running three yards for the first down when he has a clear path, throws it to receivers at point blank range who aren't expecting it.
3. Runs in the direction of the pressure.
4. Executes play-fake perfectly on fourth-and-1 at the goal line only to overthrow the wide-open fullback.
5. Gleefully checks down to his backs on third-and-20.
6. Every deep ball thrown has the expected completion percentage of a Hail Mary.
7. Starts sprinting towards the sideline even when the pocket protection is perfect.

Nice. Go Niners.

Philadelphia Eagles

I spent five years of my adult life in the City of Brotherly Love, and during those five years, I watched the city build up and tear down its football team with a passion that was only matched by its commitment to greasy cheesesteaks.

But I've always felt that the Eagles (and former QB Donovan McNabb in particular) got a raw deal. This was a team that was in contention year in and year out, and while they never did get over the hump and bring home a title, they were pretty freakin close for a long time. It's hard to put together two good seasons in a row in the NFL; the Eagles won the NFC East five times in six years (from 2001-2006), averaging almost 11 wins each year.

Also, if there were ever a contest over which NFL head coach most looked like an average person from the city where he coached, doesn't Andy Reid win that thing hands down?

Eagles head coach Andy Reid. Philadelphian.

Awesome. Go Iggles.

New England Patriots

Is having a man-crush on Tom Brady a good enough reason to start rooting for a franchise that I don't particularly like otherwise? Great underdog story (not heavily recruited out of high school, stuck behind a better player at Michigan to the extent that he had to see a sports therapist over concerns about his playing time, sixth-round draft pick, bench warmer for New England, then Super Bowl MVP), team player, hard worker, mechanically perfect QB, three-time champ.

And he's married to Gisele.

If you're one of those who believes in a world of haves and have-nots, which side do you think this guy falls on?

Argh. Go Pats.

Miami Dolphins

I used to like this team when I was a kid for two reasons: (1) I just followed the teams that had good quarterbacks and at the time, Dan Marino was great; and (B) I liked dolphins. You know, the animals.

The posters on my bedroom wall when I was a kid: Ken Griffey Jr., Mike Piazza, and a bottle-nosed dolphin.

Sweet. Go [D]olphins.

San Diego Chargers

By proximity they're the closest team to LA, and they've been playing a pretty exciting brand of football for the past few years. The Chargers kick-started Drew Brees' career, drafted LaDainian Tomlinson and got his prime years, and won a 'roided Shawn Merriman a Defensive Player of the Year Award.

Also, if we are to take Jerry Seinfeld's take on rooting for professional teams and equate it to rooting for clothing, why not pick the team with the coolest looking uniforms?

Best uniform in football, modeled by the douchiest quarterback in football.

Yeahh. Go Bolts.


So which will it be? Tune in next time. I'm sure you're all holding your breath.