The Han Theory: Fourth of July Celebrations

This post may be going up a few days late (at least if you take its title as an indication of when it was supposed to be up), but skimming through my iPhoto library reminded me of a classic American tradition that my friends and I partake in every year: Fourth of July.

A holiday intended to celebrate the independence of the United States from the tyranny of Britain has somehow evolved into an excuse/opportunity to barbeque, drink, and play with fireworks. I guess that's one sign it's truly American (consider these other American traditions that involve eating tons of food and/or reveling in excess: the Super Bowl, Memorial Day, Labor Day, Thanksgiving, St. Patrick's Day, birthdays, Valentine's Day...this list is getting long).

Honestly, when you think of the Super Bowl, do you think of this?

Or this?

But don't get me wrong. If you think that Fourth of July festivities (or any other festivities, for that matter) are all fun and games, you would be dead wrong. It is hard work, partying it up on Uncle Sam's birthday, and it often includes many serious hardships.

Hardship #1: Breathing is Compromised

I think grilling food outdoors and eating in waves always, always, ALWAYS leads to eating way more than is healthy for normal human beings. Wearing shorts (or for girls, dresses/skirts) instead of jeans helps counteract this to a certain extent, but eating a trifle the size of Barry Bonds' skull after already eating multiple servings of meat, corn, potato salad, regular salad, vegetables, and more meat is probably going to trump any advantage that the shorts/skirt provided.

So good. And I don't even like desserts that much.

Hardship #2: You Could Get Burned (Literally and Figuratively)

For whatever reason, celebrating the birth of our nation always includes dangerously risking the fingers of the future leaders of America (as I like to refer to our youth).

Who knew that lighting one of these things could maybe, possibly get one's finger singed?

It would be easy if the burning was limited to the flesh on our bones. But on Fourth of July, there are times when the burning reaches deep depths so much deeper than the not-very-deep epidermal layer on your fingers.

After stuffing our faces, playing with firecrackers, watching fireworks, and stuffing our faces again (all while complaining about how full we were from stuffing our faces the first time), we decided that it was time to sing. In a room. Singing in a room...now where could we possibly go to do that? If only they made rooms with karaoke machines so you could sing in the company of just your friends! That would be pretty awesome. Luckily for us, we just so happened to stumble across such a place in L.A.'s Koreatown. Imagine the odds.

Apparently, however, we weren't the only ones who thought of this idea. Other Koreans enjoy singing too, it seems. So we were denied entry at the first place we went and had to settle for another singing room just like the first one. It was a deep burn. So deep.

It's a bit hard to see the lyrics, but yes, that's a line from "My Humps." Classy.

Hardship #3: Rumors

This is perhaps the most difficult thing of all. This year, I learned that enjoying Fourth of July with friends leads to some nasty rumors spreading at the workplace. And I'm not talking about harmless water cooler talk like, "Ohh...I heard he went on a date with the cute accountant and...*gasp* went to JARED!"

Jared is a huge hit with the ladies, apparently (at least according to their commercials). But for the record, I have yet to hear about any dudes buying any of their women any piece of jewelry from this place. Also, why you would want to call jewelry store a man's name is beyond me. Seriously - you ask a girl to choose between a necklace from Jared and one from Tiffany and you're telling me Jared seems sexier? Please.

Anyway, the rumor was that my buddy Jay and I were something more than just pals going back to junior high. While stopping by at the grocery store to grab some meat and charcoal for the grill, we happened to run into one of the students we teach at our SAT prep school. This is usually not good, for students tend to freak out when they run into their teachers outside the classroom. And true to form, this student went ahead and told every other student at the SAT prep school that A) Jay and I go grocery shopping together on a regular basis; B) only gay guys do that; and therefore C) Jay and I were gay lovers.