Life Instructions, Part 1

There are many times when I'll be doing something and I'll think to myself, "They really need instructions on how to do this the right way." For example, in certain cafeterias, there is a precise protocol you have to follow when you order your food - Seinfeld's Soup Nazi comes to mind - and for the inexperienced, it can be daunting. In college, I didn't order from the omelet stations in the dining halls until sophomore year because I wasn't sure exactly how to do it (Do you hand him a plate first? Is there a limit on what you can get? Do people judge you if you only want the meats? Seriously? I now know that all you do is point out the ingredients you want, wait, and then say, "Thanks, Antoine!" at the end. So please don't barrage me with instructions on how to order omelets).

So here's a short list of some essential life instructions. I'm naming this post Part 1 because I hope to continue to add to this list to make your life - and hopefully others' too - a bit easier.

Life Instruction No. 1: Always order the #1 from fast food restaurants if you've never been there and/or you're unsure of what to get

Think about it. McDonald's, Burger King, Jack in the Box, Carl's Jr. - what are they all known for (other than the fact that eating too much of their food will either kill you by age 30 or guarantee that you'll be known among your friends as Jared-from-Subway-but-in-Reverse)? The answer is: the Big Mac, Whopper, Jumbo Jack, and Famous Star, respectively. These are all their #1 meals. So if you're at a foreign fast food place (like a Moe's Southwest Grill or Hungry Howie's Pizza), go with the #1.

I suppose this rule extends beyond fast food restaurants too - it's always a good idea to order whatever the restaurant is known for. Why? Because that's what it's known for. Tony Romas didn't build its reputation on its chicken sandwiches, and people don't love Morton's because of the crab cakes. So don't order something that isn't cut from a cow when the restaurant's name has the word "steakhouse" in it - you'll just end up hating your food and then hating yourself a little bit inside for ordering it.

Life Instruction No. 2 (for Guys): If you want to overcome your fear of amusement park rides, go with a girl

This may sound counterintuitive. Why would you bring a girl to a place that could legitimately make you look like a pansy?

(This is only counterintuitive, of course, if you assume that your girl doesn't particularly love pansies. If she does, you're good to go. Pansy it up.)

Well, in my experience, I've found that the only time you're really gonna conquer (or at least temporarily overcome) that fear of heights and/or high speeds is if you've got a girl there that you absolutely can't disappoint.

Some of you may know that heights are not my forte. I don't love them. If I had to choose a profession between skyscraper window cleaner or car window cleaner (I'm not the most ambitious guy in my hypotheticals, it seems), I can't say it would be a hard choice.

This would not be me.

Now, you take that same guy - me - and you throw him into a Six Flags with a girlfriend (his very first girlfriend, in fact)? He turns into the bravest, most daring eighth grader in school. Bring on the Vipers, Supermans, and Colossuses of the world. Bring it.

Life Instruction No. 3: Take advantage of the internet before making any big purchases

Here's some more unorthodox advice. Most people would tell you not to believe everything you read online. And there's wisdom to that.

...Actually, there's a LOT of wisdom to that. You really shouldn't believe everything you read on the internet. I think I once read on Wikipedia that Kelly Clarkson was originally born as a dude. In fact, I'm very close to changing this entire section and making it, "Avoid the internet at all costs before making any big purchases."

But I'll stick to my guns, since I'm stubborn and I had a point when I started and I want to make that point now. Here's my point: If you use the internet properly, you can find people who are some of the world's foremost experts on any given topic. It can be anything from tennis racquets to fishing to law school and if you look into the right places, you'll find people who not only really know their stuff, but feel strongly enough about it that they'll sit down behind their computers and voluntarily share their knowledge with anonymous strangers because they just enjoy it that much. Some people refer to these people as losers. I call them experts (when I'm not calling them losers). Scrounging up this information will usually be much more beneficial than, say, strolling into a Best Buy and asking the nearest dude wearing a blue polo for the best digital camera.

(Quick side note: The photo attached to this paragraph is named HispanicWomanComputer.jpg. Please know that I am not a racist and did not name the photo myself - this is how it comes up on Google Image Search when you search for "online computer.")

Go live a more informed life!