In-N-Out vs. Shake Shack

I've been in New York for a grand total of four days. But even before I arrived, there was a debate raging among people who had been lucky enough to spend time in both California and New York: In-N-Out vs. Shake Shack.

When it comes to pitting the two great burger joints against each other, there are those who will remain blindly loyal to whichever establishment represents their coast. I will not be one of these people. What you see here will be a totally unbiased, objective comparison of the storied shops. Seven categories. One point for each victory. Winner takes all (and by all, I mean the Golden Star awarded by this blog). Read on!

Category 1: Name

Names are very important. I'm convinced that one of the reasons Coke does so much better than Pepsi is because its name is just better. The same goes for Kleenex vs. other tissue brands, Xerox vs. other copy machine brands, and Kobe Bean Bryant vs. other NBA players. You can't beat a man named after a steak. Whose middle name is also a food. You just can't.

Both In-N-Out and Shake Shack have great names. They're catchy, memorable, and best of all, both names seemingly tell you something about the restaurants themselves.

But how misleading is the name Shake Shack? Is the place really known for its shakes? Because they're not that good. And I'm not sure the place is even a shack.

This is a Shake Shack:

This is a real shack:

I don't like things that mislead.

Winner: In-N-Out

Category 2: Convenience

Here's a question for you all. Would you rather drive to one of the many, many In-N-Out locations across California and wait for a few minutes either in the car or the comfort of an air-conditioned restaurant, or wait for 45+ minutes outside in East Coast humidity? Masochists need not respond.

For those of you who will rush to say that the Upper West Side location of Shake Shack doesn't have as long of a wait, here's my response. Most people go to the Madison Square Park location - that's why there's a longer wait there to begin with (right?). So most people who have Shake Shack actually do have to wait in a long line. Outside. With pigeons and squirrels. Dirty animals.

Also, there are only three Shack Shacks in all of New York City. That's not cool. I'll stop here before people start thinking I'm biased or something.

Winner: In-N-Out

Category 3: Menu Options

Shake Shack undoubtedly has more options on their menu. Shroom Burgers, Shack-cago dogs, The Arnold Palmers - there are tons of things you can get here that you can't get at In-N-Out (if you just mix lemonade and iced tea on your own at In-N-Out, I think they're just called Arnold Palmers, not The Arnold Palmers...big difference).

But remember: I'm approaching this comparison with the utmost objectivity. And objectively speaking, more options = more confusion. How am I supposed to know what's good at Shake Shack when there are so many things on the menu? And the choices aren't numbered, so my "Always order the #1" piece of advice doesn't apply.

At In-N-Out, you either order a #1, #2, or #3, with some off-menu secretness if you so please. Simplicity is almost always a good thing in my book.

Winner: In-N-Out

Category 4: Cost

Shake Shack costs more.

Winner: In-N-Out

Category 5: Taste

Ahh...the most controversial and to many the most important category of all. It's undeniable that both burgers are tasty. The meat, lettuce, tomatoes, and everything else from both places are so fresh. And maybe, just maybe, this comparison is all for naught, since some people think that Shake Shack isn't really "fast food" the way that In-N-Out is.

But whatever. I've come too far to let little things like that stop me.

Here's the big difference between the two: In-N-Out burgers have a very unique taste. You could line up 10 burgers from anywhere next to one another, take one bite out of each, and easily be able to pick out which one is from In-N-Out. I'm not sure you could do that with Shake Shack burgers (but if you feel that you do have a finely tuned ability to pick out that certain Shake Shackiness, this obviously does not apply to you).

Perhaps more troubling is that Shake Shack doesn't let you order grilled onions (?!?). And the hot dogs taste weird.

Winner: In-N-Out

Category 6: Iconic Status

When you think of In-N-Out, everything Californian just comes with it: warm weather, laid-back environment, beaches, beautiful people, and on and on.

Any other restaurant and this illustration would be absolutely ridiculous. But it's In-N-Out so it all seems to make sense.

Does Shake Shack have the same effect for New Yorkers? This is something I honestly don't know. But I definitely feel like there are other things that are just more New York: investment bankers, yellow taxi cabs, the moistness and smell of that smoky stuff that comes up from the subway vents, etc.

Winner: In-N-Out

Category 7: Happiness Effect

This, in my opinion, is the most important category - how happy do you feel when you take a bite of the burger? Very happy? Extremely happy? EXTRAORDINARILY happy?? Not happy at all (sadness)?

Here's the best way to judge. Look at someone's face when he or she takes a bite of a Shack Burger or Double Double. Like mine.

Shake Shack face:

In-N-Out face:

Winner: In-N-Out

FINAL SCORE:
In-N-Out 7, Shake Shack 0