The Han Theory

Underrated

2011-09-25T19:54:00.000-04:00

There are some things in this world that are simply underrated – they don't get the credit/recognition they deserve. This entry is dedicated to those things. May it be a humble start to a world of proper ratedness.

(5) Meatballs on pizza

I start here because this completely baffles me. Not only are meatballs delicious, but they seem pretty Italian – you see meatballs in spaghetti all the time. How come you don't see them offered as pizza toppings more often? Someone evil must have decided to skip over meatballs to go straight to black olives and anchovies when thinking of the goodness that should go on the canvas of pizza. This makes me sad.

This is so beautiful.

(4) Andy Roddick

Poor Andy Roddick (I use the term "poor" very loosely here).

Anyone who semi-regularly follows tennis has surely heard about the dearth of American talent at the top of the sport for quite a while now. Tennis fans, perhaps accustomed to the dominance of John McEnroe and Jimmy Connors in the 70's and 80's, and then Pete Sampras and Andre Agassi and Jim Courier in the 90's, have been clamoring for the Next American Tennis Hope since Roddick was a kid.

All he's done to live up to those expectations is win a major, win 29 other titles on the pro tour, earn nearly $20 million in tournament prize money, hold the world No. 1 ranking, reach the finals of Wimbledon and the U.S. Open four times (losing each time only to maybe the greatest player ever to step foot on a tennis court), and spend the vast majority of his career ranked among the top five or 10 players in the world.

To put this in perspective, consider that there are 30 teams in the NBA, meaning 150 basketball players are starters. So if you're considered among the top five or 10 basketball players in the world, you're landing magazine covers, playing in All-Star games, and getting mentioned in Jay-Z songs.

Roddick, on the other hand, has to answer questions about why he 'only' accomplished as much as he did. Isn't his career a pretty successful one? I have a hard time even imagining what it would be like to be among the five or 10 best in the world at anything. I kinda feel sorry for the guy, and then I remember that he wakes up to this woman every morning, and I think he'll be alright:

If you wake up and see this next to you (the woman, not the magazine), your day is off to a fantastic start, head-to-head record against Roger Federer be damned.

(3) Breakfast burritos

I cannot figure out why breakfast burritos have not caught on more. I think they should be at least as widespread as bagel sandwiches. What's not to love? It's deliciousness wrapped up for you.

Weekend Wrap at the Black Cow Cafe in Montrose, CA.
Order it. Eat it. Thank me later.

(2) The Postal Service

I realize that the USPS is going through a rough stretch and that not too long from now, it could very well be chillin' with the dodo bird, woolly mammoth, and Friendster. But for a long time, civil servants dedicated themselves to ensuring that we could communicate with one another effectively. Sometimes I still marvel at the fact that I can drop something into a bright blue box on a street corner and have it arrive somewhere across the country within a matter of days. And then I think about the fact that once upon a time, I could have dropped something off and had some man on a horse carry it across the country for me and I realize that yes, the USPS was and remains pretty gangsta.

I think I would have made sure to write very, very meaningful letters if they were carried by the Pony Express.

(1) Seat warmers in cars

Anyone who has spent time living in a place that gets snow and ice recognizes the clutchness of seat warmers. They get warmer faster than the heater, and thus significantly cut down on that period of time where you're suffering in your car while waiting for the engine to warm up. And I don't know why, but having a warm butt really makes a big difference.


Warm butt = warm all over. It's the truth.

Epic Meal Time

2011-09-18T17:43:00.002-04:00

There really isn't much need for me to introduce this entry. You, the reader, however, should understand three things before proceeding:

(1) There is a series of videos on YouTube called Epic Mealtime. The basic premise is that a group of dudes who may or may not be insane cook up such culinary masterpieces as Fast Food Lasagna, Chili Four Loko, and Breakfast of Booze, and then proceed to eat said masterpieces. Click on the links if you must, but only if you must. The descriptions of the dishes are pretty accurate.

(2) Sometimes, my friends and I see things in action and are greatly inspired to do those things ourselves. Some of us watched the U.S. Open and were inspired to play tennis. Some of us watched the Fast and the Furious movies and were inspired to drive like idiots on our way home from the theater. All of us watched Epic Mealtime and were inspired to make and eat 26,000 artery-clogging calories in one sitting.

Now, most of the time, our iterations of those actions are pathetic attempts at recreating the magic that we saw onscreen. The game Roger Federer plays and the game I play can barely be called the same game. Paul Walker driving 120 m.p.h. with a beautiful woman draped all over him is surely not the same thing as me speeding a little bit (not too much) in my Accord. This time, however, life truly did imitate art. This was the real deal. Or real meal.

(3) Yes, we really did eat this. And no, we're not the smartest people you'll ever meet.

Layers 1-3: Tater tots, kielbasa, cheese.

Layer 4: Cheeseburgers from Burger King.

Layers 5-6: Mac and cheese (with more kielbasa), bacon.

The most important step in combining the layers is...

...maintaining the solemn face of someone who understands what's to come.

Layer 7: Mashed potatoes.

Layer 8: Crushed Doritos.

After a few minutes in the oven to make sure everything is cooked properly...

...we heap generous portions onto our plates.
Because you know, we're civilized and would never just eat directly out of the pan.

Will understands that this is as much a mental battle as a physical one.

Which is probably why he was able to go for seconds after we finished.

The rest of us looked like this.

Disclaimer #1: I do not recommend doing this at home.

Disclaimer #2: If you choose to ignore Disclaimer #1 and eat an Epic Meal anyway, I cannot guarantee that your bowel movements will be 100% normal for a few days after the Meal. If, upon completing the Meal, you feel like you just ingested a bowling ball smothered in butter, don't panic – that's completely normal. If you're a guy and all your female friends choose not to talk to you or look at you for a while after you eat the Meal, hang in there. If you're interested in maintaining self-respect, see Disclaimer #1.

Out of League

2011-05-30T23:12:00.000-04:00

The recent engagement of Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian got me thinking: How far out of one's league has a guy actually gone to get a girl? You all know what I'm talking about – you see a couple walk past you and the woman is, by all accounts, about a bajallion times more attractive than the man, leaving you wondering just how funny, rich, or awesome at guitar the guy must be.

(This is not to say, of course, that Mr. Humphries is way out of his league with Ms. Kardashian. After all, he's a solid rotation player on the Nets, and anyone in the NBA is one of the best basketball players on the planet. She, on the other hand, doesn't seem to have any discernible talent at all. But the disparity in notoriety/fame between the two just reminded me that this chasm is something that exists. At least in my mind.)

Here are a few other examples:

5. Vincent Chase & Mandy Moore

Vince is a B+/A- actor who doesn't know how to do anything in his own life except hook up with random women. He relies on his friend and manager E to do everything for him, and is also kind of a prick. Mandy Moore is perfect. She is kind and beautiful and smart and talented and funny and should not have died of leukemia in that one movie.


O, that I were a glove upon that hand That I might touch that cheek!

This is only as low as it is on the list because Vincent Chase is a fictional character from Entourage.

4. Sasha Vujacic & Maria Sharapova

There was a headline about this on CNN.com a while back that read, "Sharapova Engaged to Lakers Star." When you clicked, the link sent you to People.com, where the headline read, "Maria Sharapova Engaged to Lakers Star Sasha Vujacic." I appreciated People's clarification. "Lakers Star" usually means a player who does more than come off the bench, miss a few shots, go back to the bench, and then whine about how he's always on the bench.

Kobe Bryant = star. Pau Gasol = star.
Sasha Vujacic = shooter who can't shoot, i.e. nothing.

Also, there's this: he makes $4 million a year. She makes $25 million a year. He is also now playing for the New Jersey Nets, a team that is not the Los Angeles Lakers. This won't end well.

3. Kevin Federline & Britney Spears

It's easy to forget this now because Britney's star has faded considerably over the past few years, but in her heyday, she was white-hot. Scalding hot. As in, I'd watch Pepsi commercials over and over just because she was in them. I haven't found one person – man or woman – who disagrees with me on this point.

This actually happened.

1. Marko Jaric & Adriana Lima

Yup, I jumped straight from #3 to #1 just to emphasize just how sizeable the difference is between this couple and the second-most lopsided one. You know how you can tell how outrageous this one is? Ask a girl who Adriana Lima is married to. You'll either get an answer along the lines of, "Some dude named [insert some horrible mispronunciation of Marko Jaric's name]", or a simple, "I don't know. She's married?!" Then ask a guy who Marko Jaric is. You'll probably just get, "Duuuude. ADRIANA LIMA!"

For the record, Marko Jaric is a bench player for the Memphis Grizzlies whose eyes look like they're too close together. Adriana Lima is one of the most famous supermodels on the planet whose eyes most certainly do NOT look like they're too close together.

Um...sure. Okay.

Ready for Some Football

2010-09-19T22:57:00.001-04:00

Fall brings with it some great things: cooler weather, pumpkin spice lattes, nice foliage, and football. But mostly football.

As a native of Los Angeles, I think not having an NFL team (the Raiders and Rams don't count because (A) they're not in LA anymore; and (2) they moved back to their original cities, raising doubts as to whether they were ever really LA's teams) has somewhat dampened my enthusiasm for pro football. While I do what every casual LA football fan does and follow USC/UCLA on Saturdays, I've decided that I want to start watching football on Sundays, and root for a team while I'm at it.

Here are five teams that have made the final cut in the competition for my fanhood. Additional suggestions welcome. Fantasy rooting interests not welcome.

San Francisco 49ers

I was raised a Niners fan back in the day. An uncle who used to live in San Francisco got me into sports and since they were his favorite team, I just assumed they should be my favorite team. And what an illustrious team it is: winners of five Super Bowls, associated with arguably the two greatest players in the history of the game, and pioneers of the West Coast offense that is so prominent in the modern game.

Jerry Rice and Joe Montana. Two of the greats.

Of course, looking back on things only makes the current Niners team seem that much more pathetic. Unbelievably mediocre coaches. Outdated stadium. And Alex Smith?? Really?! This is from ESPN.com's Bill Simmons' latest column:

Ways to tell that Alex Smith is your quarterback:
1. Zips passes 80 mph at receivers five yards away.
2. Instead of running three yards for the first down when he has a clear path, throws it to receivers at point blank range who aren't expecting it.
3. Runs in the direction of the pressure.
4. Executes play-fake perfectly on fourth-and-1 at the goal line only to overthrow the wide-open fullback.
5. Gleefully checks down to his backs on third-and-20.
6. Every deep ball thrown has the expected completion percentage of a Hail Mary.
7. Starts sprinting towards the sideline even when the pocket protection is perfect.

Nice. Go Niners.

Philadelphia Eagles

I spent five years of my adult life in the City of Brotherly Love, and during those five years, I watched the city build up and tear down its football team with a passion that was only matched by its commitment to greasy cheesesteaks.

But I've always felt that the Eagles (and former QB Donovan McNabb in particular) got a raw deal. This was a team that was in contention year in and year out, and while they never did get over the hump and bring home a title, they were pretty freakin close for a long time. It's hard to put together two good seasons in a row in the NFL; the Eagles won the NFC East five times in six years (from 2001-2006), averaging almost 11 wins each year.

Also, if there were ever a contest over which NFL head coach most looked like an average person from the city where he coached, doesn't Andy Reid win that thing hands down?

Eagles head coach Andy Reid. Philadelphian.

Awesome. Go Iggles.

New England Patriots

Is having a man-crush on Tom Brady a good enough reason to start rooting for a franchise that I don't particularly like otherwise? Great underdog story (not heavily recruited out of high school, stuck behind a better player at Michigan to the extent that he had to see a sports therapist over concerns about his playing time, sixth-round draft pick, bench warmer for New England, then Super Bowl MVP), team player, hard worker, mechanically perfect QB, three-time champ.

And he's married to Gisele.

If you're one of those who believes in a world of haves and have-nots, which side do you think this guy falls on?

Argh. Go Pats.

Miami Dolphins

I used to like this team when I was a kid for two reasons: (1) I just followed the teams that had good quarterbacks and at the time, Dan Marino was great; and (B) I liked dolphins. You know, the animals.

The posters on my bedroom wall when I was a kid: Ken Griffey Jr., Mike Piazza, and a bottle-nosed dolphin.

Sweet. Go [D]olphins.

San Diego Chargers

By proximity they're the closest team to LA, and they've been playing a pretty exciting brand of football for the past few years. The Chargers kick-started Drew Brees' career, drafted LaDainian Tomlinson and got his prime years, and won a 'roided Shawn Merriman a Defensive Player of the Year Award.

Also, if we are to take Jerry Seinfeld's take on rooting for professional teams and equate it to rooting for clothing, why not pick the team with the coolest looking uniforms?

Best uniform in football, modeled by the douchiest quarterback in football.

Yeahh. Go Bolts.

So which will it be? Tune in next time. I'm sure you're all holding your breath.

Limbo

2010-08-11T09:49:00.002-04:00

Having had my mind blown recently by Inception, I will name this entry "Limbo," a term used frequently in Christopher Nolan's latest masterpiece. In the movie, it refers to the state that your mind rests in if you get killed in a dream but don't wake up in real life. This only happens when the sleeper is heavily sedated and has multiple layers of dreams. Since time slows down dramatically with each layer, at some point, things get so warped that a few moments in real life are actually decades in the several-layers-deep dream. When the dreamer finally does awake, his mind is that of an old, old, man, i.e. mushy and worthless, because of all the time spent in limbo.

This entry has nothing to do with any of that. =)

Instead, it's about me reflecting on a summer just about over. It's been a limbo-ish one. At 25, I've spent most of the last 7 years on my own but am currently living at home with my family. I spent weekdays working for a federal district court judge but took home no paychecks. I hang mostly with friends I've grown up with but many are on their way out of little La Crescenta, CA.

And even though I say this every year, I really feel like this is going to be the year that things start to change dramatically.

Or not.

Do things really change over time? Or do they stay the same, substantively, with only the outer shells changing? Let's take a looksy.

Group fun:

This is us in 2003, right after we graduated from high school. Fun back then involved getting together, eating a lot (a LOT), and sharing some laughs together.

This is us in 2010. Fun these days involves getting together, eating a lot (not quite as much), and sharing some laughs together. And occasionally having a few drinks and watching magic shows. I wouldn't say much has changed.

Moments of Brilliance:

This is me in 1991. I was in kindergarten and had just finished my most brilliant invention ever of all time (ever): a bowling alley made only of the blocks we were given to play with. As you can see, the brilliance here is not just the efficiency of the design but that my bowling "ball" made it impossible NOT to get a strike every time you bowled. Fun for all!

(When I look at that picture I sometimes wonder whether I peaked too soon as an innovator. The other kids on the playground quickly imitated my design. No one imitates anything I do these days.)

(Also, if you look at the setup right behind mine, you'll notice that some other kid arranged the pins more accurately, in the triangle. I distinctly remember cursing him in my five year-old mind for improving upon my design.)

This is me in 2010, outside the federal courthouse in Los Angeles. I have absolutely nothing significant going on in my head right now - I'm probably just thinking about how to get as much caffeine in my system as quickly as possible. I've fallen a long way from inventing new ways for children to have fun. Much has changed.

Sam's Modeling:

Winter 2006

Winter 2009

Summer 2010

Yes, going from endorsing instant noodles to women's sunglasses to fishing poles and seastars is usually a mark of change. But while it might look like a lot has changed at first glance, you have to remember that Sam is really versatile as a model. There is a consistency to these pictures - everything looks GOOD. I want to eat that ramen. I want to try wearing ladies' shades. I want to go fishing while wearing a baseball cap with a Confederate flag on it. Ergo, this is not change. This is just sexiness.

So maybe things don't really change after all. Or maybe I just don't want them to.

An Educational Spring Break

2010-03-19T15:04:00.009-04:00

As my first law school spring breaks winds down to a close, I must say that it's been a productive week. Here are just a few of the things I've learned:

- The absolute maximum amount I can slouch in my chair before I start to slip off is that point just before my head touches the backrest.

This.

- My roommate's dog, Winston Kim, is an awesome wingman (has a girl ever stopped what she was doing to talk to me before? Don't answer that).

I think the cushion he's sleeping on is now outside, after he peed on it.

It's never come back in.

- The time-wasting evilness of YouTube knows no bounds (click here to watch Kristen Bell and Craig Ferguson chat it up…hilarity ensues. Then click here and here and here. I watched all of them. I need to start going to bed earlier).

You know you're old when you think your idea of fun is two people talking to each other.

- The irony (and poetry?) of great weather dampened by the black cloud of law school writing assignments is strong.

Black cloud.

- When you order Pinkberry for delivery, the toppings come on the side. And sometimes, it's important to get them on the side, otherwise they get very soggy. Particularly things that soak up a lot of the stuff…it's important to keep them on the side.

She would appreciate the toppings on the side.

The list goes on, believe it or not. But alas, I must now attempt to actually make some headway on the black cloud.

(...Okay the more I look at that picture from When Harry Met Sally, the more I notice the dude in the Yankee cap in the background. I can't tell if he makes it funnier or creepier.)

Things I Don't Get

2010-01-01T15:23:00.005-05:00

Today seems like a perfect time for a blog entry. I admit I have neglected writing anything new ever since school started getting busy, but the first day of the new year is a great time to reflect on issues of this world that I still just don't get. Perhaps one of my 2010 resolutions (along with the requisite resolutions of exercising more regularly, spending more time reading the Bible, etc.) can be to figure out the answers to these things.

Yankee Jerseys

The New York Yankees like to consider themselves the most celebrated, successful, historic, prestigious, profitable, gangsta, and legen...wait for it...dary teams in all of professional sports. They aren't necessarily wrong. Perhaps this is why their players' jerseys do not feature any of their names on the back - Yankees don't need to have their names on their jerseys; being a Yankee is enough.

The Third Baseman Formerly Known as Mr. Kate Hudson (even though that's not written on his jersey).

So why is it, then, that the replica jerseys that fans can buy in stores all have the players' names on them?

Presumably, if you're a big enough fan that you're actually willing to buy the jersey (these things run upwards of $100), you'd already know that the Yankees' #13 is Alex Rodriguez.

Of course, the Yankees may have printed the names on these replica jerseys for the sake of the casual fan / layperson. Not everyone in the world has the Yankees' roster memorized. People may need some help in figuring out who your favorite player is - almost like a baseball jersey version of a flashcard. But the Yankees actually admitting this would be roughly equivalent to Microsoft admitting that Linux is a serious threat in the OS market (nerdy tech joke FTW no0b pwned!). This is the same franchise that calls one of its practice facilities Legends Field. As in, legends practice here. Or practiced here at one point. Or maybe the players practicing on it will become legends? I don't know.

Apple Products

Apple's product naming scheme is fairly predictable. Lowercase i + whatever the product is = next hot product to be pimped by Steve Jobs. In other words, look past the 'i' in an Apple product name and you'll usually get a fairly good idea of what it is you're dealing with. An iPhone is a phone. An iMac is a Mac computer. iPhoto lets you view photos. iMovie lets you edit movies. You get the idea.

iPhone = phone.

iMac = Mac.

iPod = pod?

What the heck happened here? How many times have you looked at an mp3 player and thought, "What a great pod!" I'm sure there's a Wikipedia article out there explaining exactly how the iPod came to be named the iPod, but still, that doesn't take away from the weirdness of it or its inconsistency relative to the rest of Apple's product line.

Orange/orange

An orange is orange. It might have been the first fruit ever named, before the Worldwide Fruit Naming Association realized that this system was not going to work. Or maybe the color orange was the first color to be named, named after the great fruit.

No other fruit can say its name is its color.
Or that its color is its name?

Determining which came first - the color or the fruit - could be this decade's chicken/egg question. The answer could determine whether we got it all wrong by naming the color spectrum R-O-Y-G-B-I-V; perhaps it should be Apple-Orange-Lemon-Lime-Blueberry-Grape-Grape (I never knew the difference between Indigo and Violet).

Or vice versa.

If that doesn't keep you up at night, well, you're probably a normal person.

Dollars & Sense

2009-09-25T11:21:00.000-04:00

If you take a look around the world, you'll see that often, people who are rich and/or successful become so because they think of a great idea - an idea that you look at after it's been implemented and wonder why you didn't think of it yourself. They're Million-Dollar Ideas that took the extra step and just became a million dollars.

Take, for example, Netflix. Some smart guy looked at the Blockbuster business model and thought, "Going to a brick-and-mortar rental store to pick out a DVD is just too much work, especially since people need to conserve their energy for all the sitting they're going to do while watching it. Let's have people pick the DVDs online, then mail it to them!" Pure genius. Also, Pinkberry. If you told someone a few years ago that you were starting a business that featured frozen yogurt that was kinda sour (but you'd call it "tart" because no one likes sour yogurt) that you could garnish with your own choice of unique toppings (like umm...fruit, nuts, and cereal), I'm pretty sure that person would have proclaimed you a genius. For some reason I've been running into many of these kinds genius-type ideas recently.

Like this bar:

That's pretty much everything anyone could ever hope for at a bar, right? Maybe even more than that, since I believe most people would be happy with just the beer and food. Throw in some good advice and what you have is a bar that can basically give you everything you'd want out of a good friend. Except for hugs.

And then there's this thing, which I ran into at the Detroit Metro Airport after visiting the University of Michigan:

Have you ever wandered through an airport, then realized suddenly that the thing you were missing and had to have right there was a high-end piece of electronic equipment? Because if so, dude, you're the person that this particular genius was thinking about then he/she came up with the idea for this electronic vending machine thing. Many people think about making vending machines that vend Snickers, Gatorades, or Famous Amos' cookies. Not many people think about vending digital cameras and iPods. Ergo, Best Buy Express vending machine = superiority.

And then there's quite possibly the second-greatest invention of all time (I think the greatest invention, at least according to conventional wisdom, is something called Sliced Bread): the shopping basket on wheels. If it sounds too good to be true, you can see that I'm actually in this picture, so it's not made up (unless, of course, I'm made up...whoaa):

I can't remember how many times I've been to a grocery or drug store and thought that a cart would be too big but a basket a bit too cumbersome. The reason I can't remember the number of times I've thought this is probably because I never actually have, but whatever. The point is that this is brilliant. Many other places need this sort of in-between option for when the existing options are too extreme (like Subway - a footlong is too much and half of that is not quite enough...a .75 foot sub is too much to ask for?). Anyway, I'm glad to see that this sort of rational thinking is catching on, at least in the Duane Reade drug store on the corner of 59th and 10th.

Of course, for every brilliant idea you run across a few head-scratchers. Like this sign:

I can't tell whether the fact that this sign was outside a rib joint made it better or worse. If you wanted to eat ribs, would you want a cartoon pig beckoning you in with the wi-fi capabilities of the restaurant that's gonna serve up his brethren? On the other hand, if it were just a normal cafe, would that make it any better? I don't have the answers to these things.

Finally, I think most people would agree that having calorie counts next to items on a menu is a good thing. Helpful, right? When you get these at a place like Haagen Dazs, you can at least try to gauge the amount of guilt you're going to feel afterward.

But upon closer inspection, maybe they aren't so helpful:

Quite a range. For quite an important category, considering the venue.

Moral of the story: if you have a good idea, run with it. Unless it's actually a bad idea.

Better Together

2009-09-05T16:15:00.004-04:00

That Jack Johnson dude was really onto something with this whole "better together" thing. Some things really are just better in pairs - the wholes becomes greater than the sum of their parts. Like a left shoe and right shoe. Individually, they're almost worthless (unless you're a peg-legged pirate; I suppose then having one shoe would be pretty worthwhile). But together...wow. Magic happens. Here's a quick rundown of what I believe to be are the top five pairings in the world.

#5: Hot summer days + cold watermelon

We start our list with a pairing that is enjoyed by people of all ages and cultures. Whether you're an Asian kid whose mom cuts fruit every night after dinner or an old Southerner who enjoys a slice of watermelon while playing a banjo on the patio, it's hard to deny the joy of biting into a cold, sweet piece of watermelon when the weather heats up.

Summer and watermelon go so well together that in this garden-variety Google Image Search result, the plate of watermelon is sitting on what appears to be a patio table. Outdoors.

I'm sure there are some of you who will disagree and say something ridiculous, like ice cream is better on summer days. I suppose everyone is entitled to his/her opinion. But here's the problem with ice cream on hot days: from the moment you open up your ice cream, it's a race against time as you try to eat it before it melts and just becomes really thick milk and sugar and cream (yum!). And then of course there's the horrible, overwhelming sense of guilt that overtakes your mind and soul for eating that caloric serving of evil.

#4: Peanut butter + jelly / ham + cheese / cereal + milk (tie)

Alright so I'm gonna go all U.S. News on you and have a billion-way tie at #4 . But the staples of my childhood diet belong on this list because 1) they're delicious; and b) without them I probably would have starved.

Here's a good illustration of how clutch PB&J is: my friends and I were at a grocery store shopping for food to take with us on our annual snowboarding trip. Our options were almost unlimited - with a shopping cart that was almost empty and a generous budget, we could have chosen just about anything to take with us. One of the very first things that found its way into our cart? Jamwiches.

But the significance of this isn't necessarily that Jamwiches were one of our first purchases, but rather, that Jamwiches exist at all. For those of you who don't know, Jamwiches are pre-made PB&J sandwiches that you stick in the freezer and then microwave when you're ready to eat (think Hot Pockets, but PB&J). That means there's enough of a demand for PB&J sandwiches from people who are too lazy and/or too incompetent to make their own peanut butter and jelly sandwiches they actually make and sell pre-made Jamwiches (yes, my friends and I are among those lazy incompetents).

Remarkable.

#3: Pizza + beer

This pairing is best explained with the following photos, taken while I was strolling through Manhattan.

Pronto Pizza and Beer! What a great name - implies fast service and gives you a pretty good idea of what kind of stuff they offer. It's open, has its own ATM machine and some nifty neon lights, and it looks like there might be a woman who's headed in to get something. Definitely a place you might stop by if you get hungry while walking around.

And then there's...

...Pronto Pizza! Same idea, same street (literally just a few steps down from the first place), same name even, but no beer. Now let's observe: it's closed, got a bunch of trash outside next to a dumpster that's probably full of even more trash, and could easily be one of those places that you walk by a million times without ever noticing.

The difference (seriously) is the beer.

#2: Kobe Bryant + Los Angeles Lakers

The relationship Kobe has with Laker fans is, in my opinion, only rivaled by the relationship Derek Jeter has with Yankee fans. They're both incredibly easy to hate if they're not on your team, but equally difficult to root against when they are on your team. Both are undeniably talented but have a ton of sports fans wondering if they're overrated. Both play in huge markets for the most glamorous franchises of their respective sports. And both happen to look like freaking prom kings.

Ugh.

Of course, the similarities end there. One got married very young; the other is a bachelor who plays the field (and what a field it is...in fact, Mr. Yankee Captain gets an honorable mention down below). One has always been seen as selfish and egotistical; the other is known as the consummate team player. One guy tosses leather balls through hoops, the other hits cowhide balls with wooden sticks (and suddenly, their jobs seem very ordinary).

Anyway, I digress. The point is that no other team - and perhaps more importantly, no other teams' fans - would embrace such a complicated and controversial figure the way Laker fans do Kobe. Laker fans - and Laker fans only - have his back. And Kobe, in return, embraces and embodies everything LA. As much as Kobe has led the Lakers to the top of the NBA, the Lakers have also helped him become the league's premier star for more than a decade.

#1: Korean food + kimchi

Numero uno (sometimes, when you're talking about Korean food, you just have to speak Spanish). I mean, who doesn't want to eat pickled, salted cabbage smothered in chili powder? Anyone?

Mmm...

Honorable mentions: Batman + Robin, Derek Jeter + (insert ridiculously hot model/actress/singer/beauty queen), baseball + sunflower seeds, Tom Cruise + women taller than Tom Cruise, Super Bowl + nachos, Barry Bonds + steroids, coffee shops + wi-fi, law school + self-loathing.

In-N-Out vs. Shake Shack

2009-08-16T20:56:00.004-04:00

I've been in New York for a grand total of four days. But even before I arrived, there was a debate raging among people who had been lucky enough to spend time in both California and New York: In-N-Out vs. Shake Shack.

When it comes to pitting the two great burger joints against each other, there are those who will remain blindly loyal to whichever establishment represents their coast. I will not be one of these people. What you see here will be a totally unbiased, objective comparison of the storied shops. Seven categories. One point for each victory. Winner takes all (and by all, I mean the Golden Star awarded by this blog). Read on!

Category 1: Name

Names are very important. I'm convinced that one of the reasons Coke does so much better than Pepsi is because its name is just better. The same goes for Kleenex vs. other tissue brands, Xerox vs. other copy machine brands, and Kobe Bean Bryant vs. other NBA players. You can't beat a man named after a steak. Whose middle name is also a food. You just can't.

Both In-N-Out and Shake Shack have great names. They're catchy, memorable, and best of all, both names seemingly tell you something about the restaurants themselves.

But how misleading is the name Shake Shack? Is the place really known for its shakes? Because they're not that good. And I'm not sure the place is even a shack.

This is a Shake Shack:

This is a real shack:

I don't like things that mislead.

Winner: In-N-Out

Category 2: Convenience

Here's a question for you all. Would you rather drive to one of the many, many In-N-Out locations across California and wait for a few minutes either in the car or the comfort of an air-conditioned restaurant, or wait for 45+ minutes outside in East Coast humidity? Masochists need not respond.

For those of you who will rush to say that the Upper West Side location of Shake Shack doesn't have as long of a wait, here's my response. Most people go to the Madison Square Park location - that's why there's a longer wait there to begin with (right?). So most people who have Shake Shack actually do have to wait in a long line. Outside. With pigeons and squirrels. Dirty animals.

Also, there are only three Shack Shacks in all of New York City. That's not cool. I'll stop here before people start thinking I'm biased or something.

Winner: In-N-Out

Category 3: Menu Options

Shake Shack undoubtedly has more options on their menu. Shroom Burgers, Shack-cago dogs, The Arnold Palmers - there are tons of things you can get here that you can't get at In-N-Out (if you just mix lemonade and iced tea on your own at In-N-Out, I think they're just called Arnold Palmers, not The Arnold Palmers...big difference).

But remember: I'm approaching this comparison with the utmost objectivity. And objectively speaking, more options = more confusion. How am I supposed to know what's good at Shake Shack when there are so many things on the menu? And the choices aren't numbered, so my "Always order the #1" piece of advice doesn't apply.

At In-N-Out, you either order a #1, #2, or #3, with some off-menu secretness if you so please. Simplicity is almost always a good thing in my book.

Winner: In-N-Out

Category 4: Cost

Shake Shack costs more.

Winner: In-N-Out

Category 5: Taste

Ahh...the most controversial and to many the most important category of all. It's undeniable that both burgers are tasty. The meat, lettuce, tomatoes, and everything else from both places are so fresh. And maybe, just maybe, this comparison is all for naught, since some people think that Shake Shack isn't really "fast food" the way that In-N-Out is.

But whatever. I've come too far to let little things like that stop me.

Here's the big difference between the two: In-N-Out burgers have a very unique taste. You could line up 10 burgers from anywhere next to one another, take one bite out of each, and easily be able to pick out which one is from In-N-Out. I'm not sure you could do that with Shake Shack burgers (but if you feel that you do have a finely tuned ability to pick out that certain Shake Shackiness, this obviously does not apply to you).

Perhaps more troubling is that Shake Shack doesn't let you order grilled onions (?!?). And the hot dogs taste weird.

Winner: In-N-Out

Category 6: Iconic Status

When you think of In-N-Out, everything Californian just comes with it: warm weather, laid-back environment, beaches, beautiful people, and on and on.

Any other restaurant and this illustration would be absolutely ridiculous. But it's In-N-Out so it all seems to make sense.

Does Shake Shack have the same effect for New Yorkers? This is something I honestly don't know. But I definitely feel like there are other things that are just more New York: investment bankers, yellow taxi cabs, the moistness and smell of that smoky stuff that comes up from the subway vents, etc.

Winner: In-N-Out

Category 7: Happiness Effect

This, in my opinion, is the most important category - how happy do you feel when you take a bite of the burger? Very happy? Extremely happy? EXTRAORDINARILY happy?? Not happy at all (sadness)?

Here's the best way to judge. Look at someone's face when he or she takes a bite of a Shack Burger or Double Double. Like mine.

Shake Shack face:

In-N-Out face:

Winner: In-N-Out

FINAL SCORE:
In-N-Out 7, Shake Shack 0

Swimming and Running

2009-08-06T15:58:00.000-04:00

The Olympics are really a special time. Occurring just once every four years, the Games give athletes a chance to represent their country and showcase their talents for the world to see. The Olympics also give masters of lesser-known sports (like power walking, curling, modern pentathlon, BMX cycling, track cycling, mountain bike cycling, road cycling...any cycling) an opportunity to stand on the same grand stage as those of more famous and prestigious sports.

Lauren Gray, one of the best curlers in Britain, is not a household name. Unjust.

But something has been bothering me of late (strange, since the Olympics are so 2008): the discrepancy between the swimming events and track & field events. Much has been made of Michael Phelps and his record-breaking performance at the Beijing Games, and for good reason - winning eight gold medals in a single Olympics is very, very impressive (incredible, actually). But think about this: the guy who held the previous record of seven gold medals - Mark Spitz - was also a swimmer. And the only person who could realistically hope to break Phelps' record (if that goal could ever be called "realistic") would have to be a swimmer.

Why is this? Because swimming, for some reason, divides up its events in such a way that one guy who happens to be really great at moving through water can rack up medals by just doing it a bunch of different ways. Like backwards.

Makes sense to swim like this, if you're racing.

But this? Why would you go backwards?

People don't make a big enough deal out of how random all of this really is. Imagine if Usain Bolt, the Jamaican sprinter who shattered the world record in the 100-meter dash even though he basically jogged the last fifth of the race, could have raced people running backwards (which is the basic idea behind a backstroke). He probably would have dominated. The same goes for skipping, one-legged hopping, and running while clapping your hands above your head (it could be the butterfly for runners).

And honestly, for sheer entertainment value, who wouldn't want to see just how fast a human could do these things? Imagine a 400-meter medley consisting of a backwards leg, a skipping leg, a hopping leg, and a 'butterfly' leg. That's good stuff.

So why the discrimination for those who prefer to do their racing on land?

My personal theory is that somewhere along the line, someone felt guilty about making the Aquaman superhero so lame that he or she wanted to make it up to all water-dwellers across the world. I mean, here's a guy who has to compete against the Batmans, Supermans, and Iron-Mans of the world and his superpower is basically being a strong swimmer and being able to talk to sea creatures. In other words, he's like the Little Mermaid except he's a dude with a lamer suit.

Not that cool.

And I'd personally rather be rescued by this one.

I suppose swimmers can have their medals.

Life Instructions, Part 1

2009-07-27T17:16:00.000-04:00

There are many times when I'll be doing something and I'll think to myself, "They really need instructions on how to do this the right way." For example, in certain cafeterias, there is a precise protocol you have to follow when you order your food - Seinfeld's Soup Nazi comes to mind - and for the inexperienced, it can be daunting. In college, I didn't order from the omelet stations in the dining halls until sophomore year because I wasn't sure exactly how to do it (Do you hand him a plate first? Is there a limit on what you can get? Do people judge you if you only want the meats? Seriously? I now know that all you do is point out the ingredients you want, wait, and then say, "Thanks, Antoine!" at the end. So please don't barrage me with instructions on how to order omelets).

So here's a short list of some essential life instructions. I'm naming this post Part 1 because I hope to continue to add to this list to make your life - and hopefully others' too - a bit easier.

Life Instruction No. 1: Always order the #1 from fast food restaurants if you've never been there and/or you're unsure of what to get

Think about it. McDonald's, Burger King, Jack in the Box, Carl's Jr. - what are they all known for (other than the fact that eating too much of their food will either kill you by age 30 or guarantee that you'll be known among your friends as Jared-from-Subway-but-in-Reverse)? The answer is: the Big Mac, Whopper, Jumbo Jack, and Famous Star, respectively. These are all their #1 meals. So if you're at a foreign fast food place (like a Moe's Southwest Grill or Hungry Howie's Pizza), go with the #1.

I suppose this rule extends beyond fast food restaurants too - it's always a good idea to order whatever the restaurant is known for. Why? Because that's what it's known for. Tony Romas didn't build its reputation on its chicken sandwiches, and people don't love Morton's because of the crab cakes. So don't order something that isn't cut from a cow when the restaurant's name has the word "steakhouse" in it - you'll just end up hating your food and then hating yourself a little bit inside for ordering it.

Life Instruction No. 2 (for Guys): If you want to overcome your fear of amusement park rides, go with a girl

This may sound counterintuitive. Why would you bring a girl to a place that could legitimately make you look like a pansy?

(This is only counterintuitive, of course, if you assume that your girl doesn't particularly love pansies. If she does, you're good to go. Pansy it up.)

Well, in my experience, I've found that the only time you're really gonna conquer (or at least temporarily overcome) that fear of heights and/or high speeds is if you've got a girl there that you absolutely can't disappoint.

Some of you may know that heights are not my forte. I don't love them. If I had to choose a profession between skyscraper window cleaner or car window cleaner (I'm not the most ambitious guy in my hypotheticals, it seems), I can't say it would be a hard choice.

This would not be me.

Now, you take that same guy - me - and you throw him into a Six Flags with a girlfriend (his very first girlfriend, in fact)? He turns into the bravest, most daring eighth grader in school. Bring on the Vipers, Supermans, and Colossuses of the world. Bring it.

Life Instruction No. 3: Take advantage of the internet before making any big purchases

Here's some more unorthodox advice. Most people would tell you not to believe everything you read online. And there's wisdom to that.

...Actually, there's a LOT of wisdom to that. You really shouldn't believe everything you read on the internet. I think I once read on Wikipedia that Kelly Clarkson was originally born as a dude. In fact, I'm very close to changing this entire section and making it, "Avoid the internet at all costs before making any big purchases."

But I'll stick to my guns, since I'm stubborn and I had a point when I started and I want to make that point now. Here's my point: If you use the internet properly, you can find people who are some of the world's foremost experts on any given topic. It can be anything from tennis racquets to fishing to law school and if you look into the right places, you'll find people who not only really know their stuff, but feel strongly enough about it that they'll sit down behind their computers and voluntarily share their knowledge with anonymous strangers because they just enjoy it that much. Some people refer to these people as losers. I call them experts (when I'm not calling them losers). Scrounging up this information will usually be much more beneficial than, say, strolling into a Best Buy and asking the nearest dude wearing a blue polo for the best digital camera.

(Quick side note: The photo attached to this paragraph is named HispanicWomanComputer.jpg. Please know that I am not a racist and did not name the photo myself - this is how it comes up on Google Image Search when you search for "online computer.")

Go live a more informed life!

Fourth of July Celebrations

2009-07-13T19:12:00.000-04:00

This post may be going up a few days late (at least if you take its title as an indication of when it was supposed to be up), but skimming through my iPhoto library reminded me of a classic American tradition that my friends and I partake in every year: Fourth of July.

A holiday intended to celebrate the independence of the United States from the tyranny of Britain has somehow evolved into an excuse/opportunity to barbeque, drink, and play with fireworks. I guess that's one sign it's truly American (consider these other American traditions that involve eating tons of food and/or reveling in excess: the Super Bowl, Memorial Day, Labor Day, Thanksgiving, St. Patrick's Day, birthdays, Valentine's Day...this list is getting long).

Honestly, when you think of the Super Bowl, do you think of this?

Or this?

But don't get me wrong. If you think that Fourth of July festivities (or any other festivities, for that matter) are all fun and games, you would be dead wrong. It is hard work, partying it up on Uncle Sam's birthday, and it often includes many serious hardships.

Hardship #1: Breathing is Compromised

I think grilling food outdoors and eating in waves always, always, ALWAYS leads to eating way more than is healthy for normal human beings. Wearing shorts (or for girls, dresses/skirts) instead of jeans helps counteract this to a certain extent, but eating a trifle the size of Barry Bonds' skull after already eating multiple servings of meat, corn, potato salad, regular salad, vegetables, and more meat is probably going to trump any advantage that the shorts/skirt provided.

So good. And I don't even like desserts that much.

Hardship #2: You Could Get Burned (Literally and Figuratively)

For whatever reason, celebrating the birth of our nation always includes dangerously risking the fingers of the future leaders of America (as I like to refer to our youth).

Who knew that lighting one of these things could maybe, possibly get one's finger singed?

It would be easy if the burning was limited to the flesh on our bones. But on Fourth of July, there are times when the burning reaches deep depths so much deeper than the not-very-deep epidermal layer on your fingers.

After stuffing our faces, playing with firecrackers, watching fireworks, and stuffing our faces again (all while complaining about how full we were from stuffing our faces the first time), we decided that it was time to sing. In a room. Singing in a room...now where could we possibly go to do that? If only they made rooms with karaoke machines so you could sing in the company of just your friends! That would be pretty awesome. Luckily for us, we just so happened to stumble across such a place in L.A.'s Koreatown. Imagine the odds.

Apparently, however, we weren't the only ones who thought of this idea. Other Koreans enjoy singing too, it seems. So we were denied entry at the first place we went and had to settle for another singing room just like the first one. It was a deep burn. So deep.

It's a bit hard to see the lyrics, but yes, that's a line from "My Humps." Classy.

Hardship #3: Rumors

This is perhaps the most difficult thing of all. This year, I learned that enjoying Fourth of July with friends leads to some nasty rumors spreading at the workplace. And I'm not talking about harmless water cooler talk like, "Ohh...I heard he went on a date with the cute accountant and...*gasp* went to JARED!"

Jared is a huge hit with the ladies, apparently (at least according to their commercials). But for the record, I have yet to hear about any dudes buying any of their women any piece of jewelry from this place. Also, why you would want to call jewelry store a man's name is beyond me. Seriously - you ask a girl to choose between a necklace from Jared and one from Tiffany and you're telling me Jared seems sexier? Please.

Anyway, the rumor was that my buddy Jay and I were something more than just pals going back to junior high. While stopping by at the grocery store to grab some meat and charcoal for the grill, we happened to run into one of the students we teach at our SAT prep school. This is usually not good, for students tend to freak out when they run into their teachers outside the classroom. And true to form, this student went ahead and told every other student at the SAT prep school that A) Jay and I go grocery shopping together on a regular basis; B) only gay guys do that; and therefore C) Jay and I were gay lovers.

All smiles. Pre-rumor.

In the end, it was all totally worth it. Good times with good friends on a good day. Happy (belated) birthday, America!

Necessary Consequences

2009-07-02T17:16:00.000-04:00

Question: What do backsweat, doorknobs, and disappearing ribs all have in common?

Answer: They are all necessary consequences of other actions.

Let me explain.

Doing something you enjoy often requires you to deal with things that are a bit more tiresome. For example, I love playing tennis. I don't love picking up the balls in between rallies. The part that no one loves - like picking up tennis balls when not hitting them - is what I'm calling a necessary consequence. Here, we'll examine three of the worst ones.

Necessary Consequence #1: Backsweat

If you haven't heard of the term backsweat before, it's not hard to figure out - it's just the sweat on your back. If you can't grasp that concept, I have included a photo. In the photo, former president George W. Bush's back is unfortunately sweating like a pig (a pig's back?). Pay no mind to the woman on his right, or to where his right hand is inevitably headed.

I said pay no mind!

Backsweat is, unfortunately, a necessary consequence of driving on a hot day. Summer in Southern California + typical L.A. traffic = semi-serious consideration to apply deodorant to your back (maybe a stick of deodorant strapped to a back-scratcher could be my next million-dollar idea). Leather seats in your car make the situation even worse. But the absolute worst part is that there is nothing you can do about it. No matter how cold or strong your air conditioner is, it doesn't help. Maybe that's where they got that famous saying, "A freezing face prevents not a sweaty back."

Necessary Consequence #2: Doorknobs

You know how you always wash your hands after you go to the bathroom? No? Okay, well, you know how you're supposed to always wash your hands after you go to the bathroom? Isn't it annoying that after you get your hands all clean, you have to touch a freaking doorknob - probably one of the most bacteria-infested things in the world - to get out of the bathroom?

The problem is especially bad in public restrooms that have doorknobs that look like this:

or this:

You have no choice but to really grab the thing and twist, making sure you get all the dirtiness smothered around in the newly-washed hand of yours. And many times, with doorknobs like these, the door is just old enough that you don't totally know which way to turn the knob, and/or the door is kinda stuck so you have to give it a couple of shakes. It would be a lot easier if all bathrooms had automatic sliding doors (another million-dollar idea? I'm on a roll here).

Necessary Consequence #3: Diminishing Ribs

This point doesn't apply strictly to ribs, but I think ribs make the best illustration. Here is an illustration, to help illustrate my point:

Mmm...ribs.

The best part about eating ribs is eating the first one. Why? Because at that point, not only are you enjoying your long-awaited meal, you still have the entire rack of ribs in front of you, waiting to be eaten. About halfway through, you realize that the more you eat, the less you have left. This is a terrible consequence of eating - maybe the worst of all.

You may think that all of this is just conjecture on my part. You would be wrong. Here's photographic proof:

This is a picture of a group of friends and me when we were seniors in college. We stopped by a barbeque place for dinner one night during spring break, and as you can see, we were quite happy as THIS arrived:

So good. Ribsy ribs ribs, I love youuu. All the way down my belly.

And then...this:

This is us after we got back from break. We might be a little unhappy because 1) we had to leave sunny Florida for dreary Pennsylvania; 2) we had to start school again; and 3) we're all wearing the same shirt like we're a massive boy band; but I think this is mostly due to the fact that we had no more ribs left after we ate them all.

Now if only I could figure out how to make ribs stay on your plate as you ate them - a truly never-ending stack of ribs - that would be my true million-dollar idea.

Undefeated

2009-06-22T12:45:00.000-04:00

In most venues of life, positivity trumps negativity. It is better to say a glass is half full than half empty. It is better to congratulate Jim on getting Pam than admonish him for losing Karen. It is better to look at old leftovers and celebrate the growth of bacteria than mourn the loss of edible food. Roses over thorns, if you will.

I know what is 'better' to do.
But I still say Jim is an idiot.

There is one instance, however, when negative absolutely trumps positive: the word "undefeated." When you are undefeated, not only are you a winner, but you've been a winner every single time you've competed. There's an aura. Other terms - positive terms, even - simply cannot match Undefeated's leverage (although "Perfect Season" comes close). It is the highest point on the mountain of sports achievements, and when an undefeated season is unfolding, people hold their breath, in anticipation of something truly special.

Ladies and gentlemen, please start holding your breath. The triple threat of Jay Lee, Will Kim, and I (average height of something like Average Asian Height, which is to say, not particularly tall) are an eye-popping 3-0 in our three-on-three pickup games this season (and by this season, I mean when this little winning streak started). The record jumps to an astounding 4-0 when you include games where we had the advantage of playing with an extra female player. Let's meet the team!

(Quick Side Note: Those Xanga sites that I linked to their names haven't been updated in several years. I don't know why I even bothered with those links. Perhaps if you're reading this blog you can mosey over to their old sites and ask them to update their own blogs.)

Jay Lee

You know those old guys who don't seem all that imposing at first, but somehow kill you by scoring 8 or 9 points (in a game to 11 where every basket counts as 1) and grabbing every rebound? Well, imagine that guy except a 24 year-old version of him and you've got Jay. Sneaky. Deadly. Sneadly?

William Kim

Will used to be so competitive at basketball that he once screamed at one of his best friends for not shooting the ball when he was open. In other words, he was Kobe Bryant before Kobe learned how to be a good teammate. Now, Will is Kobe after Kobe learned how to be a good teammate.

(QSN: I was not that friend. But I could've been.)

Sally Son

If Sally looks cool, calm, and straight-up gangsta in this picture, it's probably because she is (but maybe because the pictures of the guys are all from the same photo, where we were told to pose "as creepy as possible").

Sally was a temporary team member who joined us for one glorious game. We played four-on-three that time, so it probably won't show up when history books discuss the greatest undefeated seasons in sports. But in that one game, she amassed more street cred in 10 seconds than I have after more than 10 years of playing pickup basketball. She made one shot from the wing, and after that shot went in (cleanly), the entire opposing team switched up their defense and went from man-to-man to zone. Let me repeat that: the whole team adjusted its defensive strategy because of her. Not only have I never, ever gotten to that level, that level is usually only reserved for guys like Shaq. That is sick.

This is me.

Now, I mentioned that the season started when we won our first of three games in a row. It will probably end one game before our first loss. So if you feel like showering us with praise or congratulating us on our perfect - I mean, undefeated - season right now, feel very free. It is better to be positive and celebrate now than be negative and possibly not celebrate later.

Ups and Downs of Law School in the Big Apple

2009-06-16T00:00:00.000-04:00

On August 12, 2009, I will be boarding a plane at LAX that takes me from L.A. to Dallas. But the excitement won't stop there! Oh no. After a short layover, I will be boarding another plane that'll take me to New York City. A week later, I'll begin a three-year stint as a student at New York University, hopefully receiving a J.D. in the spring of 2012 (which right now seems like an eternity away).

Going to law school in New York will definitely have its ups and downs - roses and thorns, if you will. Just off the top of my head, some of the roses might include: not having to pay for car insurance or gas; being located in the financial, legal, and cultural hub of the world; having a vast array of things to do at all times; and being in the same time zone as Innae (okay fine, maybe that last one only applies to me).

Of course, going to law school in NYC could also pose some thorns as well: having to pay for and take public transportation; being located 2,791 miles away from the Mexican and Korean food hub of the world; not having snowboard-ready mountains and bonfire-ready beaches within a few hours' drive of each other; and not being in the same time zone as family and lifelong friends (and yes, that last one only applies to me...I'm a slow learner, it seems).

Now, I don't think it's a coincidence that every rose/thorn has a counteracting thorn/rose - so much of life is a matter of perspective. Let's take a look at some of these in more detail.

Rose/Thorn #1: It's Law School

I suppose the biggest point of contention is the fact that no matter how you dress it up, it's still law school. This could either be a good or bad thing.

Good: It's training for what could be a very long and fulfilling career, a chance to meet new and interesting people, and an opportunity to challenge yourself intellectually.

Bad: It's three years of your life, more than $200,000 of your money, many hours of sleep, and a huge chunk of your soul. I can't emphasize this last point enough. People who go in wanting to protect the environment or stand up for the little guy come out kicking small puppies and high-fiving The Man. I don't know why (but if I had to guess, I'd say it probably has something to do with the six-figure salaries that first-year associates command at big law firms).

Rose/Thorn #2: Pizza Time!

Pizza has been one of my favorite foods ever since I was old enough to watch the Ninja Turtles cartoons and craft my own set of nunchuks out of yarn and toilet paper cardboard.

Good: People have said that New York City has the best pizza in the world (the Turtles themselves ate New York pizza, I believe), and going to school in NYC will allow me to eat it to my heart's content. While New Yorkers tend to claim that they have the best everything in the world, I'm gonna go ahead and say that they might be right about the pizza.

Bad: Google Image Search "fat man" - I'm too nice of a person to post pictures here directly - and you'll get a pretty good idea of what I'm gonna look like in 2012.

Rose/Thorn #3: Study Spots Sans Coffee

When you live on or close to a college campus, it's easy to take study spots for granted. Penn, for example, had several venues that featured everything you'd want out of a study spot: late hours, close proximity to food/drinks, quietness, and just enough distractions to keep you awake (e.g. pull-down screens in Meyerson that allowed you to take breaks from studying to watch TV theater-style).

These days, sitting down to study automatically means forking over three or four bucks for a cup of coffee, tea, juice, smoothie, yogurt, or whatever else they can get pomegranate into.

Good: It'll be nice to get back to a place where I can study anywhere, anytime, without having to buy something every time I sit down.

Bad: I'll actually be studying. A LOT. And I'll have to.

As you can see, sometimes life really can be a matter of perspective. Don't let negativity creep into yours!

Million Dollar Ideas

2009-05-24T18:03:00.000-04:00

You always hear stories of people coming up with inventions or products that make them rich.

Sometimes, the idea is something so simple and essential that you wonder how life could have been lived before it. Like voicemail. Then there are inventions that are not necessarily groundbreaking, but just done better than anything else on the market. Like Google. And then there are the products that leave you scratching your head and wondering how the hell they made any money at all. Like antenna balls. The guy who invented antenna balls is now a millionaire.

All of this got me thinking about whether I could introduce anything to the world that would make me some money. Some scratch. Some dough. Some paper. Some greenbacks. I think I have a couple winners on my hands here.

Idea #1: Black (or Dark Brown) Band-Aids

Why are all band-aids that peachy flesh color? I think it's because the idea was to have them blend in with people's skin. If you get a cut, no problem! Just cover it up with a band-aid and no one would ever be able to tell. Unless you're Nelly and you wear them on your freakin' face like it's supposed to be cool or something.

Anyway, this clearly is not cool for people with darker skin tones. So let's make band-aids of all tones and hues so that everyone can enjoy their original purpose: to surreptitiously mask the cuts and wounds of yesterday.

-- EDIT: Apparently, these already exist: http://www.ebon-aide.com. Curses. --

Idea #2: Hands-Free Umbrella..ella..ella..eh?

This one comes straight from the mind of Sally Son. Everyone agrees that it's annoying to have to hold up an umbrella with your hand whenever it's raining (and by everyone, I mean the four people I've talked to about this). So why not combine magnet technology with umbrella technology to come up with something that just hovers above you while the rain pours down? It would be elegant and convenient, and if that means that all your credit cards and electronics get screwed up if you take them out with the umbrella open, then so be it.

Now, I'm not quite sure what would happen if two people with these magbrellas walked side by side. Would whoever had the bigger magbrella attract the other person's? That wouldn't be good. Magbrella envy would become a very real and very important consideration. Perhaps the two people would repel each other. Or attract? I don't know. But these are questions that can be answered later, by people far smarter than me. For now, let me just say this: I agreed 110% with this idea's practicality and ingenuity right from the start. No matter what Miss Son claims, I did NOT mock her idea immediately after she proposed it. Nope. No sir. I was fully supportive.

Unless the end product winds up looking something like this:

In that case I had nothing to do with it.

Idea #3: Couches + Videogames/TV in Women's Clothing Stores

I was hanging out with my sister the other day when she wanted to stop by an H&M. I stayed around the front entrance, checking email on my phone and passing the time. When I looked up though, I made eye contact with at least three other guys, who all had a knowing look on their faces: "We are here against our will because of a woman in our lives."

I admit I've waited around many stores for many different women (like my mom, sister, aunt, and friends, you judgmental jerks), and usually, I'm pretty good about being patient while they look for what they need. But the stores with seats make it so much easier. I think Banana Republic has seats. Throw in a television and maybe a videogame system and you've got a store where the women don't have to worry about leaving their men alone and/or bored for too long. Longer, more carefree time for women to shop = more money for the store. It's simple, really.

In closing, please don't steal any of these ideas and turn them into your own personal fortune. That would suck. But in the event that you do decide to be sucky, don't forget where you got your idea from. Or else. Please.

Camping

2009-05-18T16:27:00.000-04:00

I feel like camping is one of those things that people can have a love-hate relationship with. The idea of pitching a tent outside, being dirty for several days, and forgoing some of the conveniences of modern society is one that some people just might not be down with.

But what most people don't know is that there are actually two (2) types of camping. The first type, which we'll just refer to as Rugged Camping, is the type of camping that most people think of and/or have experienced. Rugged Camping involves going to a campground or someplace similarly nature-y and setting up...err, camp, I guess...and just enjoying the time away from the hustle and bustle of the city.

Rugged Camping requires rugged men to ruggedly pound stakes into the ground - sometimes with rocks - to keep the tent in place.

Rugged Camping requires rugged men to ruggedly start fires (don't kid yourselves - Tom Hanks totally used charcoal lighter fluid on that island in Castaway).

Most importantly, Rugged Camping requires everyone - everyone - to become hardcore thugs, advanced science degrees be damned.

The second type of camping - which we'll refer to as Really Rugged Camping - takes place on someone's front lawn. Not many people have heard of RRC, much less experienced it firsthand, so let me explain why this camping is even more rugged than Rugged Camping.

When you go Rugged Camping, you really have no choice but to rough it. Even if you are one to get backaches from sleeping on the ground, you have to simply because you're miles away from anything resembling civilization. Or a bed.

Really Rugged Camping requires no such thing. This is a purely voluntary act. Your house is literally right behind you, and in it is a warm bed and comfortable pillow. Only the truly strong of mind can make it. Think Survivor meets Lost meets Temptation Island and you'll get a taste of what I'm talking about.

But not everyone will agree with me on this one. Some people will call RRC idiotic. Others will call it very idiotic. I'll address some of these critics' concerns.

Critics might say cooking over an RRC campfire takes too long:

To this I say, what's more enjoyable than roasting some food over candlelight while hanging out with friends? Sure it might take 25 minutes to cook through one mini-sausage, but did you know there are hungry children in Africa? Be grateful for what you have!

Critics might also question the ruggedness of the experience if you can get away with using normal blankets instead of sleeping bags:

To this I say, what is a sleeping bag, really? Isn't it just a blanket that zips up? So we're going without zippers. Would you question the authenticity of shoes if they didn't have laces? Besides, if you carefully implement the Burrito Technique while sleeping - as Jay appears to be doing here - the difference is even more negligible.

(Quick side note: I don't know why Jay is the only one in the pictures here. Please believe me when I say this whole RRC experience was more than just Jay and me deciding to sleep outside my house in a tent together. That's pretty Brokeback. Please believe me.)

Perhaps the most glaring criticism is the fact that many wouldn't even consider it camping if a perfectly good house is within a few inches of the tent:

I don't really have an answer to that one. Maybe we can just agree to disagree.

"Huh."

2009-05-15T15:59:00.001-04:00

There are times in life when you observe or reflect on something and the only real response you can come up with is, "Huh." That's not, "Huh?" (like you're just confused or need to have the statement repeated into your good ear) or, "Huh!" (like you've just lifted something really heavy or mastered the crane kick from The Karate Kid). It's the "Huh" you give when you're thinking something along the lines of, "I feel like I can understand this if I thought about it a bit more, but it's so out there and unimportant that I'm not even gonna bother." You guys know what I'm talking about.

Exhibit A: There are lots of different restaurants and eateries in a city as big and diverse as L.A. Most of them are dedicated to a certain cuisine, e.g. Italian, which would typically mean you'd get pastas and pizzas and things like that.

With that in mind, if I told you that a certain restaurant served four items, and said that the first two of those items were burritos and tacos, what would be your guess as to what the third and fourth items were?

If you said teriyaki and char-broiled burgers, you're absolutely correct! Ladies and gentlemen, one of the staples of any cool CV 9th grader's lunches: Senior Nacho!

Exhibit B: I think the importance of a clever store name is wildly underrated. For example, there's a running shoe store in Pasadena called A Snail's Pace that is awesome for two reasons: 1) they watch you walk/run in the store and recommend shoes based on what type of feet you have and runner you are; and 2) it's called A Snail's Pace so you don't feel intimidated when you shop there. Imagine if it were called Olympic Sprinters and Lightning Bolts 'R' Us. Would you go there? Seriously?

But if the opposite end of the Clever Name spectrum is a something like Olympic Sprinters and Lightning Bolts 'R' Us, something in the middle - in between great name and awful name - would be a name that is so vague, mundane, or uninspired that you know the owners probably spent tons of time trying to think of a clever name before deciding, "Screw it. Let's just go back to that first thing that popped into our heads when we started brainstorming and call it that."

I mean, I guess they sell things made out of wood, so it's pretty descriptive. But still. Huh.

Exhibit C: Many of you who are reading this know that I will be starting law school this fall. I am going to take a few moments here to talk about one part of the application process. From the moment more than one school accepts you - if you are so fortunate - two things commence: 1) a decision-making process that ultimately falls on the shoulders of the applicant; and 2) a competition between the schools to see who can woo the greatest number of their admitted students. The whole process is only slightly more sophisticated than the mating rituals you see on the Discovery Channel, where the male peacocks puff out their feathers to attract mates and inevitably, the best females go to the peacocks rocking the brightest colors. I guess in this analogy I'd be the female peacock. Whatever.

But of all the factors I considered when making a decision on which school to attend - employment opportunities, prestige, location, faculty, etc. - you know what I didn't expect to be very high on my list? Whether a school remembered to send me a card on Valentine's Day.

Of course, as soon as I got this from Northwestern I started to look less favorably on the schools that didn't send me one. I felt forgotten. Unloved, even. And I wanted to feel loved.

(Quick side note: I have nothing but the utmost respect for Northwestern University Law School. It is a great school in a great city. I thank them for admitting me and would have been happy to attend. If anyone from NU is reading this, please don't hate me and/or bar me from any future endeavors.)

Exhibit D: I sat down for a meal with Innae sometime around Valentine's Day at a pizza place in Delaware. On the tables were paper placemants with scrambled words on them. Also on the placemats were hearts, red lettering, and a big "Happy Valentine's Day" written across the top. And yet I somehow still managed to start unscrambling the words without realizing that all the words were Valentine's Day themed.

I don't think Cupid particularly likes skis or grins.

Funpain

2009-05-12T15:11:00.000-04:00

Everyone likes to have fun. In fact, most people like to have fun so much that many times, they're willing to endure a certain amount of pain just to have it. I am one of those people.

But not all funpain (I'm allowed to coin new words on my own blog, right?) is created equal. Let's take a look at the different types.

"Comes with the Territory"

This is when you know you're going to be hurting before you embark on an activity, and then you do it anyway. Different people seem to have different limits for the amount of this kind of pain they'll endure. For example, some people will voluntarily run marathons. That's 26.2 miles. Of running. I will always call those people insane.

"The name marathon comes from the legend of Pheidippides, a Greek messenger. The legend states that he was sent from the town of Marathon to Athens to announce that the Persians had been defeated in the Battle of Marathon. It is said that he ran the entire distance without stopping and burst into the assembly, exclaiming "Νενικήκαμεν" (Nenikékamen, 'We have won') before collapsing and dying."
-- Wikipedia

At the same time, I will voluntarily spend three days of my spring break snowboarding on the icy trails of Vermont - back before I knew how to switch from heel to toe - pretty much getting owned (factoid: not knowing how to ride toe-side really tortures the legs after one day). Many people would call that insane.

This was not a posed photo. For a rundown on the difference between posed and candid photos, please refer to the previous entry.

"Occupational Hazard"

Here, the participant endures pain not because he/she agreed to it beforehand, but because he/she accepted it as a risk that simply needed to be accepted.

For example, when you go to the beach, you just accept that there is a very, very small chance that there might be a shark in the water. Anyone who has watched Jaws will tell you this is not always easy to do. You also accept the slightly greater chance that a wave might blindside you and fling you onto rocks that incidentally aren't all that friendly.

Do you still go to the beach? Absolutely.

"Having So Much Fun it Hurts"

Then there's this type of funpain, where you push yourself to play to such extremes that every part of you just hurts. Sometimes this means literally staying up all night and hanging out (although there will always be disputes as to who actually stayed awake and who drifted off):

Or maybe it means camping out on someone's front lawn (which is more or less equivalent to staying up all night, except outside and less comfortably), and then making a one-day Vegas trip the next day.

Or maybe it means eating as many ribs as you can on all-you-can-eat night just to see how many you can put away:

When you start to question what the heck you were thinking when you did that, you know you're having this kind of funpain.

It is probably not a coincidence that I'm involved in all of these. So let's play!

Candid Photos

2009-05-11T15:41:00.000-04:00

I'm a huge fan of candid photos - I think they have more personality and can pack more memories than a picture of a group of people gathering around and mugging for the camera.

Take, for example, the difference between this posed photo:

and this candid photo:

The difference, to put it simply, is stark. STARK.

Let's look at another comparison. Sometimes the difference isn't just in the personality or the candor of the picture at all. Sometimes, it's about being honest and true to the moment that occurred. Here's a posed shot (I don't know why Joann is the subject of all my photos today) from a few months ago:

Some friends had gathered at my house to eat and watch the Super Bowl together. And here she was, studying diligently, firmly on the straight and narrow path to Optometristland.

...

Or was she? Here's a candid shot:

She's watching and enjoying the game and the commercials just like the rest of us! Oh, the horror.

Of course, there is a time and place for posed photos. You can't beat them if you want to remember who was at a certain trip, who participated in a certain event, or who you need to email when planning the next trip or event. And it's also nice to have pictures where people are smiling and happy.

But candid photos are the ones that really make me smile.